Bats fluttering in my tummy

Twelve hours from now, I'll be on a plane headed to Sydney. From there, I'll have over 24 hours spent travelling and in airports - with about four hours in Sydney, then a flight to Singapore, about three hours in Singapore, and then the longest flight heading onto London, United Kingdom. I've done this before - well not this exactly, it'll be a first for me, flying west from Australia - but the concept of getting on a plane and going somewhere foreign isn't new to me. I can't quite remember if I was this nervous last time, or the time before. I'm sure I had butterflies, but what I have today are giant bats flapping about.

I think I'm feeling the pressure because this trip is attached to a soul searching purpose. To make decisions about my future, about whether there is possibility of taking a new career direction, whether this is a way of life or an awesome hobby for me. But I can't say this is a part of my bout of nerves at the moment. I can't pinpoint it exactly, what is at the root.

Tonight, I find myself fluffing around. I sat examining a blue Sharpie pondering if I needed to undo my already packed luggage to add the Sharpie, if there might be an occasion where I'll need it. I've packed and repacked my carry-on luggage. I've stress eaten - something I've done a lot of over the last two weeks, in fact I've put on two kilograms which I'd worked so, so hard to work off. It's like I'm passed the point of being productive, I'm too jittery to read or watch a movie. In the process of writing this entry so far, I've stood up no less than five times to pace around the room.

I just know that all that I can do is take it one step at a time. I'm focused on the flight - getting through the goodbyes with my parents, dealing with the airport, maneuvering my luggage, surviving the flights, getting through customs. Once I emerge at Heathrow with my pack and my stamp of approval and they've let me through with my goodies - I'll focus on getting to the hostel. It's all that I can do. I get two weeks of 'easy' - the UK is easy. Hanging with mates is easy. Staying with a friend is easy. I think when I'm getting on that plane going across the water to a country where they don't speak English - then things will be even more real, and the bats will morph into something else altogether - pterodactyls, maybe?

I don't know if I can handle the pterodactyls. Maybe I'm not cut out for this big life. Maybe I'm really just meant to live quietly, simply.

Or maybe, it is this very fear which is helping me to grow, without even knowing it.